'Underworld' series convoluted, boring

By ROBERT SAUCEDO

Kate Beckinsale returns to the franchise that made her kinda-sorta-maybe an action star with the release of Underworld: Awakening on Friday. It's hard to believe that there have been three sequels to 2003's Underworld, a movie that united critics to hold hands, sing and dance around a bonfire celebration of hatred.

The Underworld series, for those not in the know, tells the story of how an ancient war between vampires and werewolves spills over into the modern world. You would think that a film with such a premise would be at least a little bit fun, but that's the kind of thinking that leaves you the loser in the war against bad movies. Underworld takes what should be an amazing concept -- monsters fighting monsters -- and turns it into a dreary action snoozefest that takes itself way too seriously.

The monsters of Underworld owe much more to the fashion choices of The Matrix than anything found in the classic Universal library. Tight leather, flowing trenchcoats and vaguely science-fiction weaponry take center stage. The monsters in the series thus far have been computer-generated abominations, looking more like cereal box mascots than anything genuinely scary.

Worse than the stylistic choices, though, the series' biggest crime is devilishly boring plots. Beckinsale is a vampire assassin who meets and then falls in love with a newly minted werewolf -- a "tweak" on Romeo and Juliet. Oh, how the stars conspire to keep these young lovers apart.

Scott Speedman stars as Michael, the lycanthropic loverboy who is brought into the world of monsters kicking and screaming. It seems the rest of the world's werewolves think Michael is a prime candidate to usher in the next evolution of hybrid vampire-werewolves -- born from the blood of both the furry and the fanged. Or something like that. Honestly, the Underworld movies feature a mythology so dense audiences will need a weedwhacker to sort through all the shrubbery.

Awakening finds Beckinsale's character brought back from a long cryogenic nap to help ensure the survival of her species. It seems mankind has finally learned that werewolves and vampires have been fighting for the last century, and -- as you may have guessed -- humans are none too pleased that monsters exist. Thus, they decide to ... drumroll ... destroy all monsters!

The film will not be screened in advance for critics, but you can bet your garlic I'll be there opening day. What can I say? I'm a masochist when it comes to bad movies. At least there's one thing that the Underworld movies have managed to improve on -- they've gotten shorter. The first film clocked in at over two hours. This one? Only 88 minutes. With that many monsters crammed into such a short running time, watching Underworld: Awakening will be like drinking Keystone Ice. It'll probably go down just as smooth, too.

* Email Robert at robertsaucedo2500@yahoo.com.