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If you ask me, Eagle readers are as handy as a ladder on a windmill. As a pocket on a shirt. As an ice chest in August.
When it comes to the subject of country sayings, our readers are richer'n dirt in a cow lot. They can lick this sucker all the way down to the stick.
Last week we visited about colorful Texas sayings. I shared a few of my favorites and invited you to chime in. Asked you to help shuck the corn right down to the cob, as it were.
Eagle readers have got some snap in their garters, I'm here to tell you. You hopped on this challenge faster'n a sneeze through a screen door. Came through quicker'n a minnow can swim a dipper, you did.
I believe you could talk a gate off the hinges. And if I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
Reader Wayne Rucker of Anderson has plenty of notches on his gun when it comes to this stuff. Here are some of his offerings:
"He's as thin as a stall-fed hoe handle."
"She's so ugly I wouldn't eat her biscuits."
"That wisecrack is another new wrinkle on an old muley's horn."
"The wind blew so hard that wheat was blown through a washpot."
"Ever' tub has to sit on its own bottom."
"He's tighter'n a wet door."
"I'm so poor I couldn't buy a nightmare a feed of oats."
"I'm so poor the bank won't let me come in the lobby; I have to go through the drive-through."
Sandra Nash says her dad had a most colorful way of describing a less-than-delicious meal:
"About as tasty as warm calf slobber on a shingle."
Mark Hopkins of College Station reports that he once knew a guy who was "ugly enough to curdle a mud puddle."
And there was once a girl who fell somewhat shy of Miss America potential:
"She can't help bein' ugly, but she could stay home."
Mark also has a good way to describe the financial squeeze so many of us are feeling right now:
"If it took a dollar to go around the world, I couldn't afford to get to Snook."
Zou Cherry of Bryan offered up several colorful contributions:
"He's so crooked he has to screw on his socks."
"I'm busier'n a funeral home fan at a July revival."
"He couldn't count to 20 with his shoes off."
Ken Gaston says a fellow who's IQ-challenged might be described as "dumb as a box of rocks." And if somebody asks how you're feeling, here's a snappy reply:
"If I were any peachier, I'd be a cobbler."
Jean Brasher offered several nuggets:
"He likes to lick the red off anybody's candy cane."
"He's too lazy to pick his teeth."
"He has the IQ of okra."
"Somewhere out there a village is missing its idiot."
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig."
Navasota accountant Jared Patout has a way with words and an interesting outlook on love. Here's a carefully edited version of his contribution to the cause:
"No matter how pretty she looks or how sweet she smells, somebody somewhere is sick of her [malarkey]."
Trish Pannell of College Station offered these gems:
"He's lower than a rattlesnake's belly in a wagon rut."
"The only difference between being in a rut and a coffin is the depth of the excavation."
"The start of a good day is waking up and seeing the ceiling rather than a lid."
"She's so ugly she has to tie a steak around her neck just to get the dog to come to her."
"You can't shoot pool with a rope."
Well, I think we've got just about all the goody out of the bubble gum for today. And it's plain as the tail on a rattler that I'm running out of space. So keep the shiny side up and the dirty side down, and I'll see you on down the road.
* Donnis Baggett is editor-in-chief of The Eagle. His e-mail address is donnis.baggett@theeagle.com. His regular mail address is P.O. Box 3000, Bryan, TX 77805.
