If I had to choose one musical term I loath more than any other, it would be "adult alternative."
Like "smooth jazz," it's a genre that prides itself in neutering what was once a vibrant art form -- filtering out everything that was good and decent about '90s music and leaving us with Marcy's Playground and Sugar Ray.
That's why news earlier this month that the Guitar Hero folks would be dedicating an entire game to geriatric rockers Aerosmith left me with a pang of trepidation.
Now I'm no communist -- I love '70s-era Aerosmith like any other red-blooded American. But what concerns me is the past 15 years of their career, starting with Get a Grip, in which they worked with studio-hired "collaborators" (a la Avril Lavigne) to make their songs more marketable to the Top 40 crowd. It's the exact same time the band started grinding out power ballad after cheeseball power ballad like a DJ at a junior high dance.
Word is the songs on Guitar Hero: Aerosmith will be presented in roughly chronological order, in which case it would be the first video game to get easier and more boring the further a player progresses.
I'll admit it, at first the power-ballad trend didn't bother me too much. As a teenage Mullet-American growing up in the Midwest in the early '90s, I bought Get a Grip as soon as it was available through my tape club. And popping that cassette in and listening to Crazy, Cryin' or Amazing initially made me want to pull out a lighter and tie my flowing neck-drape back into a sensitive-rocker ponytail. At the time, they seemed like nice-enough interludes until the next faster-paced release in the style of Walk This Way or Back in the Saddle was unveiled.
But those songs never returned, and through an onslaught of follow-up ballads the 80-something (junkie years are much like dog years) "rockers" have come to dominate this evil adult alternative monolith.
The guys in Aerosmith aren't the only ones to take such a route, and at least the mellowing that comes with age and no longer doing enough blow to kill a gorilla make turning to adult alternative more understandable. It's more painful to hear bands like Red Hot Chili Peppers, who have no excuse, churn out schlock along the lines of Counting Crows and the Goo Goo Dolls.
So if Guitar Hero wants to honor Aerosmith, who am I to begrudge them another fat royalty check. Maybe it will even be a boon to the video game industry, allowing spin-offs such as acoustic guitar controllers or, for the Rock Star crowd, microphones attached to scarf-covered walkers.
But if we open the floodgates to adult alternative now, what's next? I'll tell you -- adult contemporary. Guitar Hero: Kenny G, anyone? How about Guitar Hero: Celine Dion?
I don't think anyone wants to go down that slippery slope.
• Craig Kapitan once dreamed of playing trombone for Metallica. The Eagle hired him instead. E-mail him at craig.kapitan@theeagle.com.
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