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Editor's note: The following column was approved by the John McCain and Barack Obama campaigns, the AFL-CIO, AARP and PETA, to name a few.
The Eagle's 18-mammal Prognosticator Panel picked the perfect occupation for its annual Halloween edition: psychologists and counselors.
Their business is booming with the country is in a recession during an election year. If that's not enough to scare you into therapy, well, there's Halloween. It's a great holiday. You dress up your children -- if you can afford it -- and try to get enough candy from neighbors to last you through these tough economic times.
Who cares if your 5-year-old needs counseling after a 55-year-old guy dressed like Frankenstein jumps from behind a tree as you approach his house? You don't expect to get a 50-cent piece of candy for free, do ya?
I didn't realize shrinks were in such demand this time of the year until I tried to get Wonder Dog Buddy a therapy session. He's been suffering from low self-esteem after going 7-13 last week on the heels of a 6-14 effort.
The earliest I could find a session for him was Jan. 21, the day after the new president takes office when everything will be great again. I couldn't believe it. I told the receptionist his teeth were fine, it's his brain that needs help.
Sometimes, it's better to deal with fantasy than reality. With that in mind, we're hopeful our 19th annual Halloween edition will make you laugh.
So without further adieu, here's our panel in their costumes:
Brad Powell, aka the Amazing Kreskin: Even now, Brad not only knows the games for next week but the winners, too. Brad will bet anyone $1 that he's the best picker of all time.
Robert Cessna, aka Joe the Plumber: Actually, I needed Joe the Plumber earlier this year. Either him or somebody else who knows how to deal with lots and lots of water cascading into my yard.
David Campbell, aka Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead II: Our Campbell lives in a dream world where he matches wits picking games with a group of strangers who use their demons to force him to pick losers. Sounds like Wall Street.
Donnis Baggett, aka Monopoly Man: Donnis isn't going to rest until he owns all of East Texas. He's about halfway there. He still has to earn another $100.
Richard Croome, aka John McCain: Richard was stranded in Victoria for six years while he fought for the glory of his mother country, England. It was there that he developed his dynamic personality, which earned him a work visa to Bryan-College Station.
Chip Howard, aka Oprah Winfrey: Chip was able to bring sportstalk radio to the persecuted listeners in the Brazos Valley, namely Texas Tech fans.
Caryn Hagaman, aka Samantha in Bewitched: Things can get a little hectic in Madisonville. Caryn seemingly can wiggle her nose and troubles vanish, but principal Marc Hodges mysteriously remains.
Tamara Mischel, aka Michelle Trachtenberg in Ice Princess: Tamara has been skating on thin ice in her attempt to pick games with those much more qualified. Her patients urged her to quit when she was passed by a high school counselor.
Bill Haddock, aka Dr. Phil McGraw: Dr. Bill became famous a decade ago after appearing on KBTX's The Morning Show. He talked about his youth in East Texas, when every day was Halloween.
Jim Wilson, aka Steve Martin in The Jerk: Jim gushed with enthusiasm when he found out one of his duties as publisher was being part of the Prog Panel. That first week, he waited for the presses to roll to take a copy home. That's become a tradition, and he should have his bathroom wall papered by now.
Adam Saenz, aka Barack Obama: Adam has suggested we take five picks away from each of the front-row pickers, distributing them to the less fortunate on the bottom row. Croome, by the way, doesn't think we should reward mediocrity.
Falecia Pier, aka Whoopie Goldberg: Whoopie was a high school dropout. Falecia is trying to convince her to return to school and make something of herself.
Larry Bowen, aka Billy Carter: The federal marshals were able to stage the death of the former president's brother, relocating him in Bryan-College Station where he can work for peanuts -- a dollar day, which is enough to buy Billy Beer.
Buddy Cessna, aka Buddy the Wonder Dog on Hee Haw: Like the old TV dog, our Buddy keeps dying in the picks year after year, but we keep bringing him back from syndication.
Paul Atkinson, aka RepoJoe: Paul will wheel and deal with anyone. He sold my brother-in-law a convertible that gets great mileage -- a wheel barrel.
Robert Premeaux, aka Crash Davis in Bull Durham: The only reason Premo works here is to play in the local over 25-somethin' baseball league and complain about the Dallas Cowboys. He's not leaving until his team wins the league championship or the Cowboys win another Super Bowl. For Premo, either would be a "dubious achievement."
Mary Ann Covey, aka Hillary Clinton: Mary Ann looked like she was going to win the Prog Panel -- or at least beat the other females. Now, she's next-to-last and the other women are asking her for advice on how to deal with the cut-throat politics on the front-row.
J.D. Taylor, aka Batman: Everyone laughs at J.D.'s ineptitude at picking games. J.D. actually slips into his wife's workout tights and puts on his mask after getting home from church on Sundays to set the betting lines for Vegas. At work, he tries to use sports jargon to patients, praising the Tennessee Cardinals and belittling the San Francisco Texans.
Robert Cessna's e-mail address is robert.cessna@theeagle.com.
