Picking football games is supposed to be fun, unless you have to deal with Brad Powell. The local psychologist is making a mockery of The Eagle's 18-mammal Prognosticator Panel.
Powell has widened his lead to four picks.
"I attribute my success on the Prog Panel at this point to the fact that I have two teenage boys who give me lots of help and that SportsCenter is on at our house 24/7," said Brad.
Brad knows a little about football. He attended Texas Christian University and remembers the 1991 game against Texas A&M when Aggie linebacker Quentin Coryatt broke TCU wide receiver Kyle McPherson's jaw in three places with a vicious hit.
"My wife and I were at the game when 'The Hit' took place," Brad e-mailed. "I remember it well. It was pretty traumatic for all Horned Frog fans. Maybe that's why I went into psychology. And maybe it's the reason I decided to come to A&M [for graduate school]."
Now it's Brad delivering the jaw-breaking hits. He got all the high school games right last week and all the NFL games en route to a 16-4 record.
"Who is Brad Powell and what's he doing in my contest?" asked KZNE SportsTalk host Chip Howard, who holds the record for most prog titles. "I thought there was a difference between being a psychologist and being a psychic."
At least Chip can still move his jaw and fingers.
All the other pickers declined to throw jabs Brad's way. I thought they were afraid of harming someone with such boyish looks, as if Brad was, in fact, a boy.
Then it dawned on me. They are suffering from avoidant personality disorder. That's a chronic and pervasive pattern of distorted thought, emotion, behavior and functioning. This personality disorder is thought to affect approximately 1 percent of adults in the United States, especially gamblers and addicted football-contest pickers. Individuals suffering from APD are prone to anxiety disorders, including agoraphobia and social phobia.
In layman's terms: Our panelists are making stupid picks, getting ridiculed by friends and family for being behind a dog and a guy who wants to know what you thought about your mother as she changed your diapers, and now they're afraid to take action.
I'm just hopeful that simple flu shots will cure it and get this panel back to talking trash like the Wrecking Crew.
Counselor Bill Haddock doesn't suffer from APD, probably because he has too many other phobias to deal with. One of them was being too close to psychologist J.D. Taylor, who is in last place. So Dr. Bill turned in a panel-best 17-3 week and moved into the Second Division. My guess is that he finally allowed his wife, Celia Goode Haddock, to make his picks for him.
"Thanks goes out to my small group of dedicated pickers who assist me," Dr. Bill said. "We had a good week. You know, there are some picks that you can do alone and others you just can't. In my youth in East Texas, I actually picked some cotton and chopped a lot. You know the difference between pickin' cotton and pullin' boles? What Bumblebee Cotton is? If not, then you ain't ever done any real pickin'! Then there's pickin' and grinnin'. We had a group who met annually for about 15 years, cooked chili, picked and grinned and consumed our favorite adult beverages. You know how many different kinds of shrimp there are?"
Why do I always check to make sure I have socks and shoes on after I read one of Bill's e-mails? And where is that banjo music coming from?
No matter what method East Texas Trash used, he moved past eight pickers. He looked like Oklahoma State's Dez Bryant running through the Aggie defense last week. Dr. Bill is challenging for a spot in the First Division, which added the Chipster this week at the expense of Wonder Dog Buddy, who has fallen hard since being tied with Brad.
Buddy is eight picks behind the leader, who is having business cards printed that include his status as Prog Leader.
"I'm not strictly a child psychologist," Brad mentioned. "I do see a lot of children, but I have patients of all ages."
Good. What time can I bring in Buddy and Chip?
Back circling picks this week is psychologist Tamara Mischel after a two-week vacation outside the country. (Editor's note: Does that mean she took her head in for a checkup after 5,000 couch sessions?)
Tamara's substitute, Mike Garcia, held his own but wasn't sure those tallying his picks were certified by a reputable public accountant.
"I think there's something funny going on," Mike e-mailed.
Well, that's a first. I've never been accused of being funny. We're going to have The Eagle's lawyers look in to it to see if there are grounds for defamation of character. Then again, this is an election year. Character is rather hard to find, let alone define.
By the way, we'll probably put the presidential race on the picks. We're just waiting for the Vegas line. For now, you'll have to settle for Iowa State at Baylor.
Robert Cessna's e-mail address is robert.cessna@theeagle.com.
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