If you haven’t watched the penultimate episode of “Game of Thrones” that aired Sunday night, be warned this column contains some spoilers. That only matters if you haven’t already had the show spoiled by quite literally every person on the internet.

(Also, if you don’t know what “penultimate” means, don’t feel bad. I had to Google it myself.)

OK, enough with the preamble. (Not to brag, but I didn’t have to Google “preamble.”)

As HBO’s hit dragon porn show heads toward its final episode, there are several nagging questions I fear may go unanswered. My hope is this column will allow the show’s producers to make last-minute changes before the series finale that will clear things up for me and other devoted GoT fans.

1) Will Daenerys Targaryen, the reproductively improbable Mother of Dragons, declare next week “Infrastructure Week” in King’s Landing?

Throughout the show, Daenerys has been fighting to take what she believes is her rightful place on the ergonomically suspect Iron Throne, which sits inside the castle at King’s Landing.

Poised to finally conquer King’s Landing, what did Daenerys decide to do? She used her remaining fire-belching dragon/son to torch the whole place! And we’re not talking a mild charring here — the would-be queen of the seven kingdoms leveled most of the city, doing irreparable structural harm to most of the buildings and completely devastating footpaths and roadways. If she hadn’t also barbecued most of the city’s inhabitants, the Monday morning King’s Landing traffic would have been a NIGHTMARE.

I can only assume a good portion of the season finale will feature a lengthy and contentious meeting of the King’s Landing Public Works Department.

Also, along with the insurance nightmare sure to come, given that few in King’s Landing had dragon attack coverage, there are serious questions as to what all the reptilian mouth fire might have done to the Iron Throne. It’s a reasonable bet that Queen Daenerys Targaryen, thanks to her questionable life choices, will now take her rightful place on the Iron Puddle.

And her title should be updated to: “Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regent of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons and Maker of Unwise Real Estate Decisions.”

2) Who cleans all this stuff up?

Speaking of messes, let’s go back a couple of episodes to the Battle of Winterfell, an epic showdown between the living and the army of the dead. It appeared that approximately 17 million people were killed in that fight, either by sword or mild-to-severe incineration.

That’s a whole lot of clutter, made worse the moment the Night King was killed and turned into crushed ice. Every member of his army of the dead stopped in his or her skeletal tracks and collapsed into a heap of decaying yuck.

While some cheered the victory, I just sat back and surveyed the mass of bodies and bones and blood and assorted pointy metal things and thought: “Oh, great. Who the heck is gonna clean THIS up?”

There should have been an entire episode called “The Cleaning of Winterfell.” Where do they put all those dead and re-dead people? How do you get blood off stone walls once it has been baked on by fiery dragon breath?

If it were me, I would have just packed it up and built another Winterfell a few miles away, preferably not downwind of Old Winterfell.

3) Where is all the dragon poop?

This isn’t about being juvenile, it’s a legitimate question. At one point there were three humongous dragons flapping around and they seemed to eat sheep and occasionally humans like Scooby snacks. Are you telling me nobody ever came across or got hit by dragon droppings the size of a Volkswagen bus?

There were massive armies racing across wide-open fields and there are big honking dragons flying above and I’m supposed to believe there weren’t at least a few soldiers who slowed down and shouted: “AWWWW, DUDE! WHAT DID I STEP IN?!?”

From a gastroenterological standpoint, this is a massive plot hole.

4) Why is there no cushion on the Iron Throne?

The Iron Throne is a large iron chair made of melted swords. It is jagged and pointy. There is nothing about it that says, “Hey, why don’t you set your keister down right here and take a rest?”

And yet, for the entire run of the show, I haven’t seen a single cushion on the dumb thing. Not a folded blanket to sit on. Not a throw pillow to soften the back up a bit. Nothing.

Truly the worst piece of furniture ever imagined. It would be like making a toilet fashioned after a dragon’s mouth.

5) Have any of these people ever just considered moving somewhere else?

Look, I’m not familiar with anything outside the greater Westeros area, but it seems whatever the rest of the Game of Thrones world is like, it can’t be much worse than the murderous nightmare the show’s characters have been enduring these past eight seasons.

If the general infighting and routine head-lopping-off wasn’t enough to drive a resident elsewhere, one would think the whole “army of the dead” invasion and the arrival of fire-breathing dragons might have pushed property values down to the point where moving to a nicer continent would’ve been a smart economic decision.

I’m not saying Westeros doesn’t have its nice areas, but the overall Yelp reviews can’t be good at this juncture. Combine that with the aforementioned mess at Winterfell and the freshly fried King’s Landing housing market and residents have every reason to leave.

And don’t get me started on the dragon poop.

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ABOUT THE WRITER

Rex Huppke is a Chicago Tribune columnist. Readers may send him email at rhuppke@chicagotribune.com.

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